Love is not a feeling Part 2

Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom

- M. Scott Peck

This post is a sequel to the first blog I wrote about M. Scott Peck. It took me a while to reflect on this sentence. The idea is quite daunting, and this is all about the lover, not the beloved. Let me define lover and beloved first. Lover = me / you, beloved = other person (hunny, etc.). Now this sentence is twice the hard work for the lover, meaning twice the hard work for you and I.

Why do I say twice the hard work? Two things: commitment and exercise of wisdom. Commitment is such an easy word to throw around but to actually do it is a different matter. I know a relationship requires the commitment of 2 people but I will talk about commitment first on my part, the part of the lover. Commitment implies that even if the happy, warm, and fuzzy feelings have been long gone, I will still stick around for my beloved. Commitment means that even if I don’t feel particularly romantic towards my beloved anymore, I would still stand by my promise of love (gawd how cliché). It means that even if we fight everyday, even if there are some attitudes or habits that really irritate the hell out of me, and yes, even if my feelings get hurt and he makes me cry.. commitment means I would still be beside him and work things out. That is some scary sh!t. And that’s just for things happening between my beloved and I. What about the outside world? Commitment means that even if I might not get along with his family or his friends or if he might not get along with my side of the fence, I will still be there for him. Commitment means that even if the world will frown on the relationship (whatever the case may be.. same-sex, common-law, etc.), I am still choosing to be with this person. Commitment is making a choice to stay with my beloved, even if I know it’s not going to be easy. Now wouldn’t that scare anyone?

Could I really do it? Could I really commit myself to giving the best of myself to someone everyday even if things get rocky? I ask myself that question everyday. Of course, other questions arise such as: Is the beloved worth all the trouble? But that’s for another post. Every time I say “Yes, I am choosing to stick with this person”, I am reaffirming my commitment to him and to the relationship. Even if he isn’t making things easier for me. :p

Exercise of wisdom. I think I might have dozed off during my Theo 103 class during this part of the lecture so I’ll just wing it! You can’t fully commit yourself into something that you have no idea what it’s all about. Here is where wisdom comes in. You should know what you’re getting into. Before you can exercise wisdom, you have to get the facts straight. This means you have to know yourself, you are aware of the realities surrounding your relationship, and you are also quite aware of and know the faults and flaws of your beloved. You have to love yourself first. You have to know your limitations, set boundaries, and not fall in love with the first guy that showers you with attention.

A lot of people fall in love with an illusion and I’m not excused. It is important that you have to know the attitudes and habits, virtues and vices of your partner. People put their best foot forward during the first few months of courtship. You would think that not-so-good-looking guys would be far nicer in the long run than their good-looking peers. Sadly, that is not the case. When the guy gets the girl, that’s when his true colors show. Charming, nice, funny, sensitive guys become jerks from hell. No matter how they look on the outside.

Commitment does not mean you have to be a martyr. If things are really bad, if your partner is abusive (emotionally, physically, verbally, etc.), if your partner has an explosive temper, if your partner constantly cheats and lies, if you feel that your partner is just playing with your feelings, if your partner is hiding things from you (i.e. cheating again), if your partner constantly insults or belittles you, this is the time to use your wisdom. RUN AWAY!!!

Staying with an abusive partner is not commitment, it is BS. And that is the perfect time to exercise wisdom.